i was baptized in a car wash
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
secret recipe
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Wise advice
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.